Nasty Nate from Lynnwood invades Norm’s Market

There I was, minding my own business. Standing in the Norm’s parking lot, smoking a Winston and rifling through some one dollar scratch tickets. It was a sunny day, and some rug rats were skateboarding in the parking lot. Across the street, some families enjoyed a mid-afternoon walk through Lundeen Park. A couple blocks away, elementary schoolers piled out of Sunnycrest and on to their busses.
It was a perfectly nice Friday in Lake Stevens.

And then some tin-badge reject from Lynnwood opened fire on an unarmed 25 year old woman, who, apparently objected to being “arrested” by some Dog the Bounty Hunter wannabe dressed in a white track suit. Or maybe it was a leisure suit. Either way, it sure wasn’t a law enforcement uniform.

Anyway, the dude – Bail Bond by Nate was his name – was unable to, uh, apprehend the young lady who apparently had a few misdemeanor warrants. And apparently, Bail Bond Nate just happened to recognize her as he just happened to run into her in the Norm’s parking lot 20 miles north of his business. Or, as Chief Celori put it: “For him to be working in Lynnwood and just happening upon the individual (in Lake Stevens), I don’t believe that’s accurate.” Right. About as accurate as Nasty Nate’s handgun marksmanship.

So back to Bail Bond Nate, the law-abiding, athletic apparel wearing, gun-toting citizen that he is. He coincidentally runs into this dangerous fugitive (Chief Celori on the danger this woman poses to the community: “Her warrants don’t necessitate the need for us to continue to look for her,”) and decides that it his obligation to arrest this lady, or to die trying.

And if a few civilians have to catch some strays on the side, well, that’s just the price of justice, right?

So, Bail Bond Nate tries to drag the girl away, presumably back to his law-dog den in Lynnwood. But for whatever reason, said chick is not interested in being dragged to Lynnwood by some pistol-toting freak in a track suit. Or as Chief Celori put it: “People don’t like to give up their freedom.”

So she jumps in her truck and leaves Bail Bond Nate in the dust. Nate, who I am quite sure, is used to females running away from him at some speed, pulled out his iron and let the heat fly.

Nate’s bullets whipped through the air, temporarily turning the Norm’s parking lot into an unholy combination of Dodge City, the O.K. Corral and Gary, Indiana. Pedestrians dove for cover. Children cried and ran for their mommies. The girl drove away, and Nate kept firing until he realized that, A: he was out of bullets, and B: he really sucked at shooting and at his job and at life in general.

Soon after, the Lake Stevens Police were on the scene, and naughty Nate the Bail Bondsman was answering some tough questions lobbed at him by the real cops. Questions like “Do you have a license for this kind of thing” (No), and “Do you think it was bright to repeatedly discharge your firearm in across the street from a park and adjacent to a busy convenience store” (They don’t pay Nate to think), and “I don’t know how they do it in Lynnwood, but we don’t cotton to your kind round these here parts” (No response).

In the end, everything was fine. The girl with misdemeanors got away, and nobody is too worried about it. The clown from Lynnwood got swept up by the real badges. The kids on the school busses were delivered safely home. And I won five bucks on the scratch tickets!
Kevin Hulten is the former Managing Editor of the Lake Stevens Journal and maintains the Off the Record blog at www.lakestevensjournal.com. He does not smoke Winston’s or play scratch tickets.

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